Wednesday, April 25, 2018

She's My Shining Light Out of The Most Awful Situation, by "Malia"

It was the start of my junior year.  I was a normal 16 year old teenager.  Over the summer, my parents renewed their vows which was like a second wedding for them.  I enjoyed going to the lake where my uncle lived.  I did things with my friends, enjoyed my close-knit family, and was looking forward to starting another school year.  Dating wasn't an interest for me since I was so focused on friends, family and studies.  All of that changed when I was targeted and raped by a convicted sex offender.

In October 2016, I was spending the night at a house behind me.  We've known this family for about 8 years.  My friend was a year older than me.  Her older sister Paige, age 25, offered to take us for a ride and meet up with her family.  As soon as we got to her family's house, there were a couple of older men there, and I was very uncomfortable -- pleading with her three times for her to take us home.  

I'd prefer not to go into details of that horrific night, but it resulted in this 32 year old man, Shane R. Rodgers, raping me.  After that, I was never the same.  My parents knew something was wrong.  I didn't want to go school.  I didn't want to get out of bed or go anywhere.  I couldn't sleep without my light on and I never wanted to be alone.  Suffering with fear and shame, I kept it all in.

I knew pregnancy was a possibility, but was relieved when I continued to have a regular cycle.  However, about six months after the rape, I began to feel distinct movement in my abdomen.  So a friend and I went to the dollar store and got a pregnancy test, which showed up positive.  I was a virgin when I was raped and never had relations since, so I knew right away what this meant.  I went to the 25 year old neighbor who had driven me to the house that night, and told her I was pregnant.  Paige took me to a clinic which confirmed my pregnancy.  

That night, I told my mom, but Paige had convinced me to say it was a stranger, because she was afraid of getting into trouble herself.  I was naive and didn't know she had set me up all along -- basically, trafficking me to her cousin (with whom she was having sex) who was a convicted child molester who'd already gone to prison with a plea for attempting to rape an 11 year old girl.  I thought she was trying to protect me, while all along I was just a simple pawn in her sick, twisted game.

My mom was shocked, but showed me love and support.  We told my dad when he got home from work the next morning, and I broke down and ended up telling him everything.  My dad was of course furious, and we called the police.  The rapist was arrested that same evening, and I'm glad to say, he's been in jail ever since. 

In fact, he was just sentenced by Judge Margaret Noe in Lenawee County with a plea deal for 3rd degree criminal sexual conduct, and will be serving out the 6 year remainder of his prior sentence, plus another 5 to 10 years for raping me.  I never thought I'd share my difficult story publicly, but after seeing comments under the news coverage of his sentencing, I feel I need to speak up and not be silent any longer.  This man admitted in court as to what he did to me -- he admitted it wasn't consensual and that I was lured to the home by my neighbor.  I went through hell and nobody but myself will ever understand.  When I realized that people were defending a man who could do something so awful and continue on without a care, I was so hurt, but now I have found my voice.

No girl ever deserves to be raped.  It is never her fault.  Clearly this man has been a predator for a long time, and I'm only now learning that Paige not only trafficked me, but many other girls as well.

As far as my daughter, she is everything to me, and she is the one who is getting me through the trauma of the rape.  I've been homeschooling for my senior year.  I won't be going to prom.  I won't be graduating with all of my peers.  We moved away because I was tormented by my neighbors after going to the police.  My whole life has changed, yet, my child is not to blame -- just like Judge Noe pointed out in Court at his sentencing when she said, "The child bears none of the ugliness of what he did."  She showed a lot of compassion for me and my daughter, and I was really touched when I heard what all this good judge had to say.
  
My baby girl is my hero.  If it hadn't been for her, this child molester would still be free raping other
girls.  And I will do anything to protect my daughter. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for her. And I wouldn't be getting justice without her.

I was horrified last fall when I saw that a judge in Sanilac County, Michigan gave joint legal custody and parenting time to another two-time convicted child molester, and I was immediately afraid a judge could do the same once my rapist gets out of prison.  His family was already trying to send me friend requests on social media, and I needed to be sure my child would forever be safe from all of them.  

So my mom contacted the attorney who had represented the mother in Sanilac County and ultimately got her and her child protected from the rapist.  Rebecca Kiessling agreed to handle my case for free as well, and explained the law that was passed in the summer of 2016 which was intended to protect women like me who become pregnant by rape.

Fortunately, at his sentencing in Lenawee County, Shane Rodgers signed the two key court papers we needed him to sign -- the judgment of paternity and the order revoking paternity (as required by the Michigan Rape Survivor Child Custody Act.)  However, I just found out that Judge Theresa Brennan in Livingston County won't just sign the consent order, but is requiring my attorney to file a motion on it.  I'm so scared.  I thought it would be simple if he was agreeing to the termination of his parental rights.  I just want this part over with so I can have peace of mind that whatever happens in the future -- whether it's him getting out of prison, with regards to his family, or if something were to happen to me, then I could know my child will be safe and protected by the courts.

Some people think I made the wrong decision in keeping my daughter.  Some even tried to convince me to give her up for adoption.  It was a tough decision for a teenager to make, but my daughter has been the shining light that came out of the most awful situation.  

When I first held my child in my arms, nothing could ever compare to that moment.  I knew that she was innocent in all of this.  I'll never forget that she helped me get justice for the both of us.  

I'm still healing to this day, I still have trouble coping with what happened to me, and I know it will be with me for the rest of my life, as well as my daughter's.  I never want someone to go through what I went through, and I want to encourage anyone who has:  yes, it may be hard, but please don't be afraid to ask for help or speak out.  Don't be ashamed of what happened to you as I was.  You had no control. And I promise, one day, it will get better.

I really want to thank the Michigan legislators who passed that law so the rapist won't have any part of my child.  If you ever wonder what kind of difference you can make, you are making a real difference in my life and the life of my beautiful daughter!

BIO:  "Malia" is a 17 year old homeschool student about to graduate and is the mother of one.  She's now a pro-life blogger for Save The 1, and wants to help other rape survivors.
Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Impregnated As I Was Passed Out, Raped and Filmed by My Husband, I Now Fight For My Son, by "Sarah"

Sometimes I feel like I am the person who fell between the cracks -- the lost and forgotten.  I struggle in silence.  I'm sharing my story here because I want to raise awareness regarding spousal rape and how serious it is.  Laws have been passed here in Florida and elsewhere to terminate the parental rights of rapists -- without a marital exception.  However, the judge in my particular case acknowledged the rape, but justified giving him visitation, saying, "Well, he didn't hurt the child."  

It not just the courts who lack compassion either.  When I tell someone that I was raped, they'll say, "Oh, that's terrible."  But when I say it was by my husband, their tone quickly changes, as if it's not as serious of an offense.  From older generations, I'll hear things like, "Oh, I didn't know it's possible that your husband could rape you."  It makes me realize the misconceptions people have.  I want people to know that it's at least as bad as being raped by a stranger.  This was very personal -- someone I chose and trusted, and the ultimate betrayal.

My husband and I had separated for a few months because my ex-husband was worried about him being around our daughter and there were a lot of complicated issues which led to the separation.  On weekends that my ex-husband had our daughter, I did see my husband a few times.  When I found out I was pregnant, I kind of thought the timing was off, and maybe I was further than the doctor was calculating, but I didn't really give it a lot of thought.  Not wanting my child to be raised with divorced parents, we got back together and rented a house.

About four or five months into my pregnancy, I was using my husband's computer, and saw a file labelled "star-porn."  My curiosity was definitely piqued, wondering what my husband was up to.  I clicked on it, and my mind could barely comprehend what I was seeing.  I was in a state of shock and absolutely mortified by the images on the screen.  Despite what felt like having an out-of-body experience, I somehow had the clarity of mind to make a copy, as my entire being was shaking in terror.

In the three different videos, which were filmed on my husband's mobile phone, it was clear that I was either completely unconscious, or semi-conscious in one of them as I uttered the word "rape," and that my husband was clearly raping me.  To my horror, he used household objects to assault me (an iPhone and a brush).

As I viewed these unimaginable scenes, I felt a sense of humiliation that I've never felt before.  My heart was racing and I was in a cold sweat.  The videos had the dates they were filmed.  When I calculated the doctor's estimated date of conception, it coincided with the date of the videos, and that's when I realized that my child was conceived in rape.

I sent him a text message saying, "You raped me."  In a panic, he came rushing home from work, knowing I'd discovered the videos.  He actually had the audacity to tell me I was nosy.  I asked him why he did it, and he said he was angry with me, but that he couldn't remember why.

He told me that if I turned in the video. the police would have to see me like that, and lots of people would see me like that.  Because he was my husband, he said, "No one will believe you," and warned me, "You know how vindictive I can be.  I will fight for custody." Scared, humiliated, and confused, I remained silent.

On top of that, I was a stay-at-home mom with a daughter from a prior marriage, along with being pregnant.  It wasn't like I could go job hunting with a baby showing.  Who would want to hire me?  I was incredibly vulnerable with nowhere to go, so I stayed in the home we had just moved into.  I'd hope he would have some remorse and leave me alone.

Things just got worse.  I would wake up to him masturbating over my face. I could no longer sleep out of fear -- fear he would rape me, film me or otherwise violate me.  He knew that I was terrified, and started threatening to kill me. He would make comments like, "You never know when you might not wake up."

As I was in labor for my son, my husband was flirting with the mid-wife, and singing.  It was awkward.  Since I was delivering without pain medication, I didn't even have the energy to say anything.  I wished so much he wasn't there.  

When my son was born, all I felt was love.  He was amazing.  I'd had an abortion when I was younger, and suffered greatly from it, so I felt like my son was a second chance.  It never crossed my mind that my son is the child of my rapist.  He's my child, and he didn't do anything wrong.  

My husband had no interest in my son.  If someone was watching, he'd act like he's superdad.  At times, he was even sadistic, putting hot sauce in the baby's food to laugh at his reaction, or putting a bottle of alcohol under the baby's nose.  To this day, my son won't eat anything red because he's afraid it will be hot.

After the baby was born, My husband's disdain for me seemed to grow, since he resented the attention I gave to the children, and the bond I had with them.  He also resented my family.  

He also did a lot of little things that to most people wouldn't make much sense.  He threatened to kill himself all the time.  On several occasions, he would take my son for a bike ride to lull him to sleep, but then wouldn't come home until one in the morning, not answering his phone the whole time.  I was terrified he would commit a murder-suicide.  I always tried not to leave my son alone with him.

The abuse toward me went on, and I began getting counseling. I was diagnosed as suffering from PTSD.  My therapist said I needed to get out of there, regardless of the financial devastation. By this time, my son was two years old.  My father helped me to move out with my daughter and son.  

With courage and counseling, on the day I was planning to leave, I went to the police with the video evidence of the rapes on my external hard drive.  Initially, the police detective told me I didn't have a case.  Feeling defeated, I returned home, but the next day, I went back to the police station and demanded to see her superior, and I was told that they would take my case.

I returned home to load up my vehicle, but somehow, my husband must have known I was planning to leave and he came home from work.   He tried to get me into the garage with him, which is where he kept his gun.  I called my father, who was right down street, and he left.  

The detective who was hostile toward me was kept on the case.  She actually said to me, "Maybe you're into that sort of thing."  What kind of a woman would be "into" having objects brutally forced into her?!  Then the detective interviewed him, and the report she issued was extremely biased.  

However, it still went to a state attorney who explained to me that a jury wouldn't understand because he's my husband and because I didn't leave sooner. I was also told that it's very rare for juries to convict in rape cases.

Terrified for the safety of me and my children, I fled the state and went to stay with family.  On Skype, my husband was waiving a gun, so I got a photo of that.  But my husband had divorce papers prepared a month before I left, and I was quickly ordered to return.  

With nowhere to go, I stayed at a domestic violence shelter, where they helped me to file for a restraining order, which was granted.  I was hoping my battle to protect myself and my children was over, but the legal battle has gone on for over two years now.

At the last hearing, the judge actually watched the videos and said that he's not an expert in rape, but that it sure looks like rape, and denied my husband's request to terminate the restraining order.  However, the judge is still allowing supervised visitation every other weekend, with mandatory Skyping bi-weekly.  His mom, who tried to get me to delete the videos, is doing the supervision.

Florida actually passed a law several years ago to terminate the parental rights of rapists, without requiring a rape conviction, and without a marital exception.  However, I can't find an attorney who is willing to file a case for me to terminate his parental rights, saying I could somehow risk losing custody because of something called "the friendly parent" provision, which requires parents to facilitate a good relationship with the other parent.  I don't understand the culture of attorneys in my county, and it's hard to know who to trust.

I am on the verge of homelessness. I live in an RV now.  I'm still not divorced because the court won't grant it until custody is settled.  I had to arrange for my daughter from a previous marriage to stay with her father during the school year while I get on my feet. 

The Brevard County Family Court judge found that my husband raped me and threatened our lives with a gun.  Despite that, I cannot be more than 50 miles from my rapist.  I'm required by this court to find a way to be the "friendly parent" so I can "co-parent" -- all the while in fear he will kill me and/or my son to punish me for telling.

Despite a restraining order and his past criminal record, he is now a teacher at a public middle school in Florida.  If the police had done their job, he'd be a registered sex offender.  

To anyone who believes that being raped by your spouse isn't as bad as stranger rape, I'm here to say it's worse.  This is someone who I loved enough to say "I do."  Now I see that I made a horrible judgment-call.  I can no longer trust myself or anyone else.  Everyone is a potential predator.

BIO:  "Sarah" is a mother of two, has been an active member of Save The 1's group for mothers who became pregnant by rape, and is now a blogger for Save The 1.  She hopes to one day be an advocate for other rape victim mothers and their children.  If you are able to assist "Sarah" on her case, please contact Rebecca Kiessling (an attorney only licensed to practice in Michigan, President of Save The 1.)
Friday, April 13, 2018

My Mom and Dad Forced an Abortion On Me to Protect Him, by Joyce Ann Born


I grew between West Virginia, Ohio and Oklahoma.  The first I can remember my dad molesting me is when I was four years old, living in Columbus, Ohio.  It was Christmastime and my mom was with my younger brother who was in the hospital with asthma.  We almost lost him.  I was home alone with my dad, on the basement steps with my back turned, and my dad was touching me inappropriately.  I didn’t like it, but I was afraid. 

My dad was a mean drunk, like the devil was in him.  On one occasion, my dad had me run up and down a hill with a little puppy, then he took that puppy and hung him right in front of me.  On another occasion, he told me he’d put a bunch of kittens in a bag and ran over them with his car.

Whenever my dad wanted to touch me, he was drinking whiskey and I had a feeling of dread come over my shoulders.  I never told anyone, but my mom eventually knew what was happening and she didn’t stop it.  In fact, at times, she was in bed with us when he was abusing me.  I remember it always hurt.

At the age of 11, I lost my virginity to my dad.  Again, I was afraid and confused.  I didn’t even understand what was happening.  My mom was in the room sitting at a table.  When he was done, he walked over to my mom and chastised her, “You let someone else get her before me.”   Then he started to beat on her.

The abuse went on for years, about four or five times a week.  When he would rape me, I would close my eyes, my body would go numb, and I would go somewhere else in my head.  I knew what he did to me was wrong and I felt different from others.  At a young age, I just thought that this must be how daddies love their daughters.  But around the age of 13, I realized that this is not the way things are supposed to be.  I began looking at boys and realized that normal attraction is toward people closer to your own age.  I liked boys my own age, and my dad should have only been attracted to my mom.

From a young age, I had become a loner.  I was a skinny little girl with long hair and sad eyes.  Other children made fun of me and I didn’t want to talk in front of others because I was bullied a lot.  I felt like my dad controlled me, and I felt dirty. 

In 1965, at the age of 14, I told my mom that I missed a period, but she just told me that it was okay and that it would come back.  But I missed it again and I knew that meant I could be pregnant.  That’s when my mom and dad took me a strange house in New Rome, a suburb of Columbus, Ohio.  I thought we were just visiting one of my dad’s friends. 

My mom told me everything would be okay.  I could hear my dad talking to this strange man.  Then my parents left me alone with him.  I was afraid and starting crying.  He took me down into his basement.  I remember he had a cloth with a strange odor that he put over my mouth, and then the next thing I knew, I woke up at home bleeding profusely out of my privates.  My mom had ice in bags that she was putting on me, with towels around me to soak up the blood.  I was confused at first and didn’t know what happened to me.  I didn’t know anything about abortions.  My mom never said a word to me about what was done to me.  Really, we never talked at all -- same thing with my dad.  We didn’t talk.

Within a week or two, he began raping me again, and it went on for another two years until I left home at the age of 16.  I met a man who was 21 years old who wanted to marry me.  My mom helped me to leave so that my dad would finally have sex with her. 

However, after I left home, my dad tried raping my 13 year old sister, but she was able to fight him off with the help of my two younger brothers and my mom, who ended up getting severely beaten by my dad.  Then my sister told a neighbor lady.  Knowing he would finally face arrest, he headed up into the hollers of West Virginia and they couldn’t find him.  My parents eventually divorced.

I felt terrible when I knew that they had fought so hard to protect my sister, but had not protected me.  I talked to my brothers about it, and they just said, “We were kids when this all started.  What we were going to do?”

Looking back, I realize now that my mom and dad had forced an illegal abortion upon me in order to protect him.  They didn’t want me to have a baby and have the truth come out that he was the father. I feel like I missed out on a blessing, even though this was my dad’s baby.  I grieve that I missed out on something.  I know I would have loved my baby.  It’s not the baby’s fault that my dad molested me.
 
My children are my life.  My son was born four days before my 17th birthday and from the beginning, I loved him completely.  My children come first in my life.  I am totally pro-life.  I took my daughter to the March For Life in Washington, D.C. when she was 14 years old.  Despite what I went through, I think I’d be pro-life regardless because I love babies.

Abortion is the end of a life – someone who is part of you.  It’s much better to carry a child and put him or her up for adoption.  Every child is a blessing from God.  My baby had a soul.  I feel sad and angry at what my mom and dad did to me – it wasn’t their right for me to be raped and it wasn’t their right to take that baby away from me.  One day, that baby will be in my arms.

It makes me upset when I hear people say that it’s necessary to have abortion legal in cases of rape or incest, but you need to think about what abortion does – it ends a life and it protects the perpetrator.  Even if a mom was taking a girl for an abortion, that could be like my mom who was just trying to protect my dad and herself, because she’d been letting him molest me for all of these years.

My mom and dad never apologized for everything they’d done to me.  I had gone nearly a dozen years without seeing him, but when I found out he was dying of cancer, I went to see him because I thought that no one should have to die alone.  I told him, “Dad, I forgive you for what you did to me.  I forgive you, not for you, but for myself.”  He surely heard me, but acted like he didn’t. 

I still struggle.  I have nightmares to this day and I’m still in therapy.  No one should ever have to go through what I went through, and I just hope that my story will help someone with their life – whether you have suffered abuse, whether you are a mom who is concerned about her husband or boyfriend’s behavior, or whether you’ve suffered an abortion.  No one deserves to be harmed.  Everyone should be able to live a peaceful life.

BIO:   A post-abortive survivor of incest, Joyce Ann Born is now a mother of two and a grandmother of six, residing in Ohio, and is now a pro-life blogger for Save The 1.


Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Sudanese Refugee Who Raped Me Now Seeks Custody of My Little Miracle, by Penny


When I met him in the summer of 2016, he seemed friendly, but it was clear that he didn’t understand boundaries as he was touchy, hugged a lot and was seen asking all of the women in the neighborhood if they needed help with their yard or in the house. He told me and my mom that he wanted to find a white woman to marry and have kids with. Despite these odd behaviors, the few times I had spoken with him, he still seemed genuinely wanting to help women. I just figured he was naïve and that there were cultural differences because he was a Sudanese refugee. 

When I heard that he had gone to jail for a disturbing crime of “sexual contact with a vulnerable adult,” I was shocked and confused.  I reached out to him in jail to get his side of the story.  I was met there by his refugee advocate, and they both assured me of his innocence.

Upon his release from jail, he contacted me, asking if he could see me to thank me for coming to see him in the jail.  We talked over the course of a few days and became friends.

There was a lot of prejudice going on in my small Idaho town about the refugees, and befriending him was my way of being positive and welcoming. When he was soon dismissed of the sexual assault charge, that was confirmation for me of his innocence.

It wasn't very long before he began making comments about wanting to be more than friends. At this time, my boyfriend and I were going through a hard time and in the middle of a split, and this Sudanese man knew this. He acted concerned, but soon started to say things about wanting to be with me, and I made it very clear that it would never happen.

I was now staying with a friend. My phone was going to be shut off soon because of my inability to pay for it.  When I told him about it, he got very sad and offered to pay so he’d be able to talk to me.  He became obsessive in calling and texting, but I felt obligated to reply.  

He would always ask me who I was with, what I was doing, and where I was. He would constantly ask me to come over or if he could come where I was.  If I didn't respond in time or told him I was busy, he would become upset and tell me how lonely he was and sad.

He began saying things like I was his heart and he wasn't complete without me.  I repeatedly told him it wasn't appropriate and I only cared for him like a brother.  Still, this didn't stop the unwelcomed comments. On numerous occasions out in public, he would try to put his arm around me. He would ask, “If you and me had a baby, would they have your eyes?”  Or he would point to a baby and say, “If we had a baby, would it look like that?” I told him to stop saying those things, and that it wasn't ok to ask me that because it wouldn't happen and it made me uncomfortable. He would just laugh, and act like he was just joking around.

But then he tried to get me to move in with him to save money, which I refused. To avoid seeing him, I used the excuse of not having gas, so he insisted on filling my gas tank to make sure that wouldn't be an issue.  In hindsight, I now see how I was the one who was naïve, still feeling sorry for him and believing he was awkward but kind.

 One night, I told him I was having a girls night with my friend. He showed up where we were, and even though he said it was against his Muslim faith to drink alcohol, he bought us drinks that night.  While I was dancing with a guy, I could see he was behaving jealous, and again, I told him his feelings were inappropriate.

When it came time to leave, he began begging me to come with him. He was almost in tears because I refused and proceeded to confess his love, but in a harassing way, turning into a scene.  My friend was concerned, and even the bouncer had noticed, asking if I was okay.  After almost a half hour of arguing with him, he finally stopped, and I told him it would be best for him to stay away from me if being around me was so hard on him and he couldn't accept the way things were. He then grabbed me and forcibly kissed me. I was so upset!  I walked away from him and over to my friend who saw the whole thing, along with the bouncer.

We didn't talk for a few days and I thought he must have finally accepted what I had said. Then I received messages telling me that he had talked with his god and asked for forgiveness for having such out of control feelings of love and desire for sex.  He told me it was against his religion to even be around me.  I told him I didn't want to compromise his beliefs and I understood why he was saying goodbye. But it wasn’t long before he began texting me again.

A few weeks later, my friend and I dressed up for Halloween, but decided to stay in.  He asked us to come to the bar, offering to buy drinks, but we declined. Reluctantly, we agreed he could stop by because his apology had seemed so sincere, so my friend drove my car to go get him. I had already had some drinks at that point and was feeling the effects.

It came time for us to settle down and get ready for bed.  I aired up my mattress, but he asked that I go with him for just a bit to the bar and he would buy me another drink. My friend expressed that she didn't think it was a good idea because I wasn't in a good state of mind to make decisions. He took her aside and assured her I’d be safe, but she was adamant that I was too intoxicated.  Regrettably, I began to argue with her, and it ended in me leaving with him.

He drove my car to the store to get more beer and then drove to the canyon rim.  I drank more in the car. Then he began kissing me while I was drunk and vulnerable. The next thing I knew, we were at his house in the bedroom.  As I was sobering up, I realized what he had planned.  I said I was tired and needed to sleep. But he would not accept that. 

He undressed and grabbed his penis, sadistically telling me he was sure that “_____” (the developmentally disable girl who had previously accused him of sexual assault) was scared of how big his penis was. He had just admitted to me that he really did commit assault upon that girl! In that moment, realizing he’d raped before and got away with it, I was absolutely terrified.  It was clear he said it to scare me, to let me know he was about to rape me.

I pleaded with him to stop -- that this wasn't ok, and he told me it wasn't ok to stop. I started crying and pleading.  When he was done, I sobbed and repeatedly asked, “Why would you do this?” It was bizarre as he described the shape and feel of my insides. (I now think of the accusations in the police report of the developmentally disabled girl, which I've since read, and how similar this was.)  I begged him to please leave me alone.  After several minutes he finally did, and left the room.  With my head spinning, I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, he was sitting at the table and began telling me how sorry he was.  I told him if he was sorry he had to go buy me the morning after pill.  He went and got it quickly because he lived close to Walmart.  I took it right there and then left.

I told my friend how he raped me, and she urged me to go to the police, but I didn't report the rape because I was so afraid.  He had gotten away with this once before.  If I reported him and he got out of jail again, he knew where my mom lived, where my friends lived, where my ex lived. . . .   I was too afraid of what he might do.

Weeks went by and I still hadn't started my cycle, though I assumed that the morning after pill was successful.  The box said it had a 98% success rate at preventing pregnancy. Nevertheless, I eventually took a pregnancy test and I couldn't believe I was pregnant!

I hadn’t seen him since the night he raped me.  My mom moved out into the countryside, and I moved with her to get away from him.  Since he didn’t have a car, I figured he’d finally leave me alone if I was far enough away.

When I first learned I was pregnant, I was even more furious with him than before.  So I sent him a message telling him the consequences of what he’d done.  He said I should marry him.  Disgusted, I told him, “Never!” It was then that I realized he’d done this all to get a white wife.

He then said he didn't want children with a woman he wasn't married to.  I told him he should not have done what he did then.  Then he started pressuring me to abort. He even told me that the refugee advocate was a nurse and could get me a pill that would cause me to lose the baby.  I told him repeatedly to stop asking me to abort, but he kept at it. I had made up my mind that, having survived the morning after pill, the little miracle growing in me was meant to be.

Eventually, he left me alone and I went on with my pregnancy without hearing from him. That was until weeks before I was about to deliver, when he messaged me over Facebook asking me how I was -- like everything was just normal and nothing had happened.

He asked if I was having a boy or girl and seemed to insinuate that my ex got me pregnant, so I asked him, “Are you in denial?” Again, he said he wished to have kids with a girl he was married to.  I responded that this not a situation I’d ever thought I’d be in, but I’d accepted it and was looking forward to the birth of my baby. I brought up the night he raped me, and he began to lie about what happened, and kept saying, “If the baby is mine, I will take care of it.”  That freaked me out, because he’d wanted her dead through abortion, so I was scared he’d kill her once she’s born.  I told him she was my baby and I didn’t want him to be a part of her life.
 
After she was born, he contacted me again asking whose she was, saying he’d have to get DNA done and asking if I was on assistance.  When he asked if he could see her, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that. He began to say that we should raise her together and that I was selfish. I was terrified!  I asked him what his religion says about all of this.  I told him he would never see her unsupervised, but reluctantly agreed for him to see her just once, so he could see she’s clearly biracial, just hoping this would make it easier to get child support for her because I didn’t know how I would be able to raise her without financial help.  But instead of following through with the visit, he blocked me from contacting him and I was relieved.

Eventually, he was sued by the state of Idaho to establish paternity and child support in the Twin Falls County Court.  Instead of merely attending what I thought was a status conference for child support, the man who raped me had hired an attorney and filed for shared custody of my baby.  For the first time, I was finally willing to speak up and I asked Judge Thomas D. Kershaw Jr., “What do I need to do to get charges filed?”  The judge asked, “What kind of charges?” and I replied, “Criminal charges.”  That’s when the judge told me that it’s not advisable to threaten charges just because a father who has rights to his child is asking for custody.  I assured the judge, “It’s not like that,” but the judge told me that I have unrealistic expectations, and “What do you expect to happen when you have a baby with somebody?”

I never anticipated the Court would be like this.  I hadn’t considered that my rapist -- who wanted my baby aborted, who said having a child out of marriage would bring shame to him -- would actually want custody of my child!  I know now that this is a power and control issue.  I have no doubt as to why he is doing this.  I have now filed a police report, but I only wish I’d gone to the police right away.   

I’m on state assistance, but I had to hire an attorney, which will cost $3,500 minimum.  My mom is helping me, but it won’t be nearly enough.  I've now learned that under Idaho law, Section 16:2005, the court can terminate his parental rights, with a "rebuttable presumption" that it's in my child's best interests where the "parent caused the child to be conceived as a result of rape," and Idaho law does not require a rape conviction, like some other states still do.

I protected my little miracle during my pregnancy, and the thought of him being anywhere near my daughter has given me the courage to come forward and tell our story of how she was conceived.  I joined a support group a while ago for other rape victim moms, and I heard the horror stories of others having to fight their rapist over custody, but somehow with him claiming his religion was so important to him, I never thought he would have the audacity to seek any parental rights, let alone custody.

My rapist should never be trusted with a baby.  Having sexually assaulted a developmentally disabled girl and having raped me, I'm terrified of what he is capable of doing to my baby girl. If he could take advantage of two vulnerable women, then what would he do to a child?

BIO:  Penny is a mother of two, and a member of and now pro-life blogger for Save The 1.  She is hoping to advocate for laws to be changed in other states so that a rape conviction is not necessary and other moms and their children can be protected.  In the meantime, Penny and her baby need to be protected by the 5th Judicial Court of Twin Falls County, and has a Gofundme Account set up for her by a friend.